Better Together

Is it just me or is it really incredibly, awkwardly hard to find a group of like-minded people working at losing weight together?

My family theoretically supports the idea of my losing weight, but finds it quite inconvenient when I quit baking brownies, require the use of the den for exercising daily, and won't join them on jaunts to the icecream store.  They kind of support me... so long as it doesn't require anything of them.  And, may I be honest, my willpower is not strong enough for it to have zero impact on them.  Keep those cookies out of the house.  (Please).

I have friends (skinny ones) who love to cheer me on... but they're there already.  They think exercising is fun.  When I complain about missing desserts, they helpfully tell me how sweet carrots are and how that curbed their cravings.  We do not live on the same planet.  Go away.

But fat friends?  Our desire to lose weight comes and goes and never comes at the same time.  Our method-du-jour changes with the moon and is never synchronized with each other.  We're more likely to help each other cheat "once in a while" then hold each other accountable.

I've joined groups.  I've started groups.  I've done facebook groups, book study groups, eating plan groups, gym class groups, community weight loss groups... but few of those groups last more than a month, and most of them fall apart before they even start.

So how do you find a community of like-minded people?

1.  Swallow your pride.  

Those skinny friends may be annoying, but they're skinny for a reason.  If that's your goal... let them in.  Be honest: carrots are not, and never will be, dessert.  But don't write them off.  Start cheering on their victories and you'll find they're cheering on yours.  Stop scoffing at their very-real-to-them fitness challenges, and you'll find they're awfully sympathetic with yours.  You may have more in common than you think.

2.  Be vulnerable.  

As long as my husband (bless him) insists I'm not fat, it's not a problem for him to undermine my healthy food choices.  Once I sat down with him, explained my reasons for wanting to lose weight, and asked for his help, he was more amenable.  So yes, he still eats ice cream sundaes daily (and is skinnier than me.  Sometimes it's hard to be married) but often after I'm in bed.  And he still stocks cookies... but he buys the kind I don't like and we're working on keeping his snack foods in the freezer or too-high shelves of the pantry where I don't have them in my face.

3.  Be unapologetic.  

My workplace does food.  Cakes for every birthday, pizzas once in a while, brunches and chicago mix popcorn are the current temptations.  When there's pressure to have some, or "just a small piece" comes up, I try to make a stand and say no thanks.  The first time is awful: I have to actually risk letting it be known I acknowledge having a weight problem.  But the second time was easier, and now it's pretty standard.  Turns out, nobody cares.  And, while I used to think I was the only one, I'm noticing there's a good handful of us that either don't show up at these events or demure and bring our own treats.  Huh.  Who knew?

4.  Join a group.  

Gyms have groups.  Almost all paid weight loss programs have groups you can join.  Grab some friends and start your own group.  Hire a personal trainer, if you can afford it.  If it feels like you can't find a group, you probably haven't tried.  Now, here's the catch: almost guaranteed the group is going to let you down.  It won't be what you thought it was, the coach will be off-the-wall, the people uncommitted, or the meetings more sporadic than you had hoped.  The secret isn't to join a group, the secret is to make the group.  Set the tone.  If you need daily accountability, find a way to communicate daily: even a quick Facebook group message.  Perhaps someone else also needs that and joins in, perhaps not.  If you aren't a "post a photo on Facebook" person and that's the style of group, comment on their cute (not sweaty) photos and bring your honesty to the table.

5.  Don't give up.  

I'm there.  I finally paid for a program that came with coaching, then 3 coaches later am pretty convinced I'm not going to get what I need here.  But this alone business is busting me, so I'm doing a couple things: asking for help within my group, talking with my coach about what I'm looking for in a group and seeing if she can recommend a better fit for me, and gently inviting a couple friends who I know want to lose weight, but feel overwhelmed by it, to join me.

I still have this dream of a "sweet spot" - a handful of women who can connect on facebook (or somewhere) to keep ourselves on target until this journey is done.  That may be a pipe dream.  Or maybe not.  But until then, I'm going to keep going in bite-sized pieces and be thankful for everyone of those groups that brought me a few steps closer to my goal.  #bettertogether #18 pounds to go.