Getting off the bus

40 is looming... not there yet, but looming...

Did it happen to you?  Is it happening to you?  That moment where you look at your life and say "If this is life, how do I get out of it?"

Did you know Ben Carson's mom checked herself into the Psych ward every now and again to give herself a break?  And her brilliant surgeon son just ran for President of the United States.

Last January, that Psych Ward was sounding like a pretty good option.

Turns out, it  seems pretty normal - us women hit a point where the auto-pilot, survival-mode stops abruptly and we need to get off that bus.  That bus of "normal" where you lose your sense of identity.  Where your husband is a stranger, and not one you particularly like.  Where you would weep if your kids turned out like you.  Where you look to the future and it terrifies you.  That point where you say - not me.  I want a life worth living.

For me, getting off the bus meant marriage counselling, career mentoring and losing 30 lbs.

But it was all under the radar.  I didn't have a problem - just normal life-adjustments that I could take care of quietly.  I wasn't going to jeopardize anything by quitting my job, telling anyone our marriage was less than perfect or embarrassing myself by publicly telling people I needed to lose weight.  And some of that is fine.  But some of it can't get fixed until I admitted that I had a problem, and it was nobody's fault but my own.  After all, 40 is the new 20, right?

The changes are slow, sometimes painful, but there's no going back.  Some of them are too private to blog about, some of them are too painful to currently make public... yet... but the weight loss journey is one that I'm finding the hardest, and going public is the next step of accountability to keep going.

I tried weight loss on my own for months, with minor success and a lot of packing on more weight.  Finally, in August, when I realized I had outgrown my summer wardrobe, it was time to break the silence.

I told my husband and kids what I was doing.

I paid good money we couldn't afford for a subscription to a weight loss program, and signed up for a 3 week challenge with my coach.

I took ugly pictures of myself that didn't let me hide my weight.  

I checked in multiple times daily either with my coach or with the app.  I wouldn't quit.  And I lost 10 pounds.

But that was 2 months ago.  Now I've gained 5 of those pounds back, my coach changed her system to one that was too laissez-faire, my motivation is lacking and I'm not doing so hot.

I blame my coach for not holding up her end of the bargain and keeping me accountable.

I blame my family for stocking cookies and ice cream when I shouldn't be eating it, interrupting my workouts and happily making excuses for me to cheat.

I blame my work for being so full of stress & overtime that I'm too overwhelmed to spend extra energy on clean eating and portion control.

I blame the season for not being so motivating (Thanksgiving dinners?  Pumpkin spice lattes?  Big, roomy sweaters?)

Seriously, everyone has a part to play in my lack of weight loss... except me.

I'm the victim here!

But my excuses are just obstacles, and I need a win in my life, so it's time to switch things up and go another round.  

So this is my blog.  Where I need to post my eating plan... and if I stuck to it.  My workout strategy, and how much I tried.  My inches and weight and my losses and gains.  It's time to get serious, because I want to be in maintenance mode, not weight-loss mode, this time around at Christmas!  20 pounds in 10 weeks.  It's do-able, but it took 10 months for the last 15 lbs, so I need some commitment this time around.

#20lbstogo  #nomoreexcuses